


A Snake in the Grass

by The_Writers_Call



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:49:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21643951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Writers_Call/pseuds/The_Writers_Call
Summary: A scandal breaks out in Canada. Desperate to end it, the Prime Minister of Canada calls the aid of Canada's Mounties, members of the Canadian Royal Force, and their knights, including Ike Broflovski. Caught in the middle, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny return to Canada to save him, unaware that a hidden agenda is taking place.  The sequel to "Friends With Benefits."
Relationships: Randy Marsh/Sharon Marsh
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

Narrator: Without waiting for a response from Randy, the scene shifts to Sharon, who's washing dishes in the kitchen. Randy starts to run around the hallway.  
Randy: Sharon! Stan! Shelly!  
Narrator: Sharon's eyes flit over to the doorway. She puts down the rag she was cleaning with and rushes to the living room, followed by Stan and Shelly.  
Sharon (hands on hips): What, Randy?  
Randy (bursting with excitement): You're not gonna believe it!  
Sharon: Believe what?  
Randy: I just got a call from Justin Trudeau!  
Stan: The Prime Minister of Canada?  
Randy: Yeah. He wants to make Tegridy Farms the sole supplier of weed in Canada! Isn't this great?  
Narrator: Sharon looks surprised. Then, the places her hand onto her face.  
Sharon: Oh, Randy!  
Stan: Dad. C'mon.  
Shelly: Are you kidding me?  
Randy (frowning): What? You guys don't seem that excited.  
Shelly: Did you learn nothing?!  
Sharon: This is a bad idea, Randy.  
Randy: Why?  
Sharon: You did this in China, remember?  
Stan: Yeah. Now, we're banned in China.  
Randy: Yeah, but this is Canada we're talking about.  
Sharon: Seriously, Randy. This is gonna end badly.  
Randy: Well, it's too late. I already made the deal with our neighbors from the South.  
Stan: Uh, Dad? Canada is north.  
Randy: Oh. Right. Sorry, I'm kinda high. Anyway, I gotta prepare for this business deal. We're gonna be rich!  
Narrator: Randy walks away, leaving Stan, Shelly, and Sharon alone.  
Stan: Is Dad gonna go to Canada?  
Sharon: Probably, Stan.  
Stan: Can we go, too?  
Sharon: Why do you wanna go to Canada?  
Shelly (clearly annoyed): So we can kill him! All the Canadians will be too stoned to notice!  
Sharon (actually thinking it over): I'll think about it...  
Narrator: Sharon leaves. Stan and Shelly both head to their rooms.  
Shelly: I just wanna kill him!  
Stan: Just let him bury himself, Shelly.  
Shelly: Easy for you to say. Dad doesn't go into your room to bother you, anymore.  
Stan: Yeah. I put something on my bedroom door to scare him away.  
Shelly: What?  
Stan: A proposal by the mayor to ban marijuana from South Park.  
Narrator: The scene shifts to South Park Elementary. The students in Mrs. Nelson's class are talking amongst themselves. Mrs. Nelson comes in.  
Mrs. Nelson: All right, everyone. We have a lot to catch up on for our test on Friday. Before we do, I'm gonna take attendance first.  
Narrator: Mrs. Nelson holds up a clipboard and a pencil. She starts to call out names.  
Mrs. Nelson: Kyle Broflovski?  
Kyle: Here.  
Mrs. Nelson: Timmy Burch?  
Timmy: Timmy!  
Mrs. Nelson: Eric Cartman?  
Cartman: Here!  
Mrs. Nelson: Christophe L'Amer?  
Narrator: Mrs. Nelson looks up.  
Mrs. Nelson (softly): Christophe? Oh. That's right. He was suspended.  
Kyle: Suspended? For what?  
Mrs. Nelson: I think he wrote the word "bitch" on the Vice Principal's door.  
Cartman: That figures.  
Mrs. Nelson (turning towards Cartman): What was that?  
Cartman: Nothing.  
Mrs. Nelson (ignoring him): Stan Mar-  
Narrator: Suddenly, an announcement appeared on the loudspeaker, interrupting her.  
Voice of Mr. Mackey: Attention, students. Would the following students please report to PC Principal's office, m'kay? Ike Broflovski? Thank you.  
Narrator: Kyle looks horrified.  
Kyle: What?!  
Narrator: Cartman points and laughs at him  
Cartman (sing-songy): Haha! Kyle's brother is screwed!  
Kyle (growing angry): Fuck off, fatass!  
Mrs. Nelson: Kyle!  
Narrator: The scene shifts to PC Principal's office. Ike is seen sitting on a chair in front of PC Principal's desk.  
PC Principal: Thank you for coming, Ike. This is the first time I've seen you in my office, but don't be alarmed. I just called you to give you a letter. It looks important.  
Narrator: PC Principal hands Ike a letter, which is sealed with a red Canadian maple leaf. Ike opens it up and starts to read it. When he was done, he looks up with a determined and stern look on his face. Later, the bell rings, signaling the end of the day. The kids come out. Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman walk home together.  
Stan (to Kyle): What did PC Principal wanna talk to your brother about?  
Kyle (kind of alarmed): I don't know, dude! Ike acted weird all day! Whenever I see him, he looks like a robot!  
Cartman: Have you seen his head? I always thought he looked more like a dick!  
Narrator: Stan and Kenny both laugh. Kyle, on the other hand, looks pissed off. He goes over to Cartman and kicks him in the nuts.  
Cartman: AAAGGGHHH!!!  
Narrator: Cartman falls to the ground and places his hands on his crotch. Kyle angrily walks away. Stan and Kenny soon follow.  
Kenny (muffled): At least PC Principal didn't kill him!  
Stan (changing the subject): Hey. Isn't that Principal Victoria?  
Narrator: He points somewhere. Sure enough, Principal Victoria was walking across the street. The boys run up to her.  
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny (in unison): Principal Victoria!  
Principal Victoria (turning to them): Hello, boys. How are things?  
Stan: Bad. How's everything going?  
Principal Victoria: Oh, much better than before. I recently got a job as the Principal of Middle Park Elementary.  
Kyle: How's that going for you?  
Principal Victoria: Wonderful! It reminds me a lot of South Park Elementary. I feel right at home!  
Narrator: The scene shifts to Middle Park Elementary, as four boys leave. They look like Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. The only real difference was their ethnicities. The Stan look-alike was Hispanic, the Kyle look-alike was Asian and wore a Buddhist Dharma Wheel necklace, the Cartman look-alike was African American, and the Kenny look-alike was Russian and carried what looked like a vodka bottle in his hand.  
The Stan look-alike: I'm telling you, dude. It keeps getting worse. First, Giant Douche gets elected president, and now the impeachment investigations.  
Cartman look-alike: Fuckin' whities! They fuck everything up!  
Narrator: The Kenny look-alike said something in Russian (probably "fuck off)" and hit the Cartman look-alike in the head with his vodka bottle, which shattered into pieces. They start to fight each other. The Kyle and Stan look-alike watch them as the Stan look-alike pinches the bridge of his nose. At that moment, the scene shifted back to Principal Victoria and the boys.  
Principal Victoria: Anyway, I gotta run. I have to attend a meeting! 'Bye, boys!  
Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny (in unison as Principal Victoria leaves): 'Bye, Principal Victoria.  
Narrator: Ike suddenly rushes pass them with a stern expression on his face.  
Kyle: Ike?  
Narrator: Ike ignores him and leaves. Later, Ike was seen in his bedroom packing a bag with clothes and other supplies. After packing it, he puts on his Knight of Canada armor and puts on socks (the same ones that the Princess of Canada gave him). He puts on his helmet and grabs a sword from his closet. He starts to leave. The scene shifts to Kyle's room, who's silently doing homework. He stops when he hears a door slam. He puts down his pencil and leaves the room. He looks down the hallway until he spots Ike's room. He notices that the door was open. He enters the room and looks around.  
Kyle: Ike?  
Narrator: Kyle looks around the room while calling Ike's name. Suddenly, he spots a piece of paper on Ike's desk. He picks it up and reads it. Later, Kyle is seen walking down the stairs with the letter in his hand.  
Kyle (muttering to himself): Why would Ike be called back to Canada?  
Narrator: Kyle sits on the couch and turns on the TV.  
Tom Thompson: And in other news, chaos in Canada is starting to break out. The Canadians are rioting because their Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, was exposed wearing blackface. Video surveillance provided by an unknown source has revealed that Justin Trudeau once wore what looks like black-colored paint on his face. Trudeau is attempting to explain himself.  
Narrator: The TV shows Justin Trudeau, who was still badly burned because of the bomb that Giant Douche dropped on Canada.  
Justin Trudeau (with black paint on his face): I fell in shit, buddy! I swear!  
Tom Thompson: The world is expressing resentment towards Canada. Justin Trudeau agreed to a meeting with President Giant Douche to clear his name. Sadly, nothing good came out of it.  
Narrator: The TV now shows Giant Douche (aka Mr. Garrison) and Justin Trudeau having a conference, with visible joints in their hands.  
Giant Douche: Don't shit over it. I piss off the fucking world all the time. Just look at the Turds. I abandoned their asses and now look at me!  
Trudeau: You mean the Kurds?  
Giant Douche: Yeah. Whatever.  
Narrator: Giant Douche takes a puff of his joint.  
Giant Douche: These joints taste like shit!  
Trudeau: Yeah. We're gonna get new ones soon.  
Tom Thompson: Another meeting between the politicians has been scheduled for next week. In the meantime, we now take you to a Midget in a Bikini, who's reporting from a press conference in Canada as we speak.  
Midget in a Bikini: Thanks, Tom. The press conference is spinning out of control. The secret service agents are trying to gain control of the situation, but the press is really pushing it.  
Narrator: The footage now shows a conflict between a secret service agent and a reporter.  
Reporter: Let us speak to Justin Trudeau, buddy!  
Secret Service Agent (shoving him): Forget it, friend! You're not coming through!  
Reporter: I'm not your friend, buddy!  
Secret Service Agent: Well, I'm not your buddy, guy!  
Midget in a Bikini: In other words, Justin Trudeau has just agreed to speak to the press. Hopefully, this will blow over soon as it usually fuckin' happens.  
Justin Trudeau: I promise you, buddy! I made a mistake, nothing more! To preserve peace in our great country of Canada, I call every knight of Canada, every Mountie, and every member of the Canadian Royal Forces to meet me in the Palace of Canada to clear my good name! In times of hardships, Canada will stay strong!  
Tom Thompson: Thanks, Midget. You heard it here, folks. Every important figure in Canada is gonna attend some fuckin' meeting to end this conflict.  
Narrator: Tom turns towards someone in the room.  
Tom Thompson: How's a fuckin' meeting gonna help?  
Narrator: The camera turns back to Kyle, who's staring at the screen in complete shock. The camera dramatically zooms in on his face as an eerie melody plays.  
Kyle: Oh, my God!  
AN 1: Thanks for reading! I hope you all liked the chapter. Please leave a review!  
AN 2: Just a quick warning, as you can probably tell by this chapter, this story is gonna cover some pretty controversial topics and may be offensive to some people. Also, I am not against Justin Trudeau in any way. Giant Douche, on the other hand, is another story. I'm sorry if this story offends anyone, but I thought the plot of this story would be something that the creators of South Park would do. So, please just bear with me!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
Narrator: Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are playing basketball at the park. Stan has the basketball while Cartman is trying to block him. Stan shoots the ball and sinks it in the basket. Kyle suddenly runs up to them.  
Kyle: Guys! Guys!  
Stan (turning to him with the ball still in his hands): What, dude?  
Kyle: It's Ike. He went back to Canada!  
Cartman: Again?!  
Kyle: Yeah. He's gonna help the Canadian President end the blackface scandal!  
Kenny (muffled): Why would he care?  
Cartman: Yeah. The blackface scandal was the best thing that happened in Canada!  
Narrator: The camera pans over to Token and Craig, who are playing football nearby. Token turns his head and glares in Cartman's direction. The football lands in front of him. He turns toward it.  
Clyde's voice: That's down!  
Narrator: Craig turns to Token clearly annoyed.  
Token (glaring at Cartman): Goddamit!  
Narrator: The camera pans back to the four main boys.  
Stan: Dude. I don't wanna go back to Canada!  
Kenny (muffled): Me neither.  
Kyle: C'mon, Stan! If your sister went missing, we'd all go look for her!  
Cartman: Yeah, but that's because Stan's sister is a fuckin' bitch that fuckin' scares everyone!  
Narrator: Stan turns to Cartman. He looks like he's gonna say something.  
Stan (calming down): Yeah. You're right, dude.  
Kyle (ignoring them): Are you guys gonna go or not?  
Kenny muffled: Fuck no!  
Cartman: Yeah. I'm gonna jump off the freakin' Niagara Falls if I go there again.  
Kyle: You too, Stan?  
Stan: Yeah, dude. I got my own problems with Canada.  
Kyle: Goddammit!  
Narrator: Kyle leaves, clearly pissed off. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman watch him. After a few seconds, Stan sighs.  
Stan: Kyle? Wait!  
Narrator: Stan follows Kyle. After a second, Kenny follows them, too.  
Cartman: You guys are such pussies!  
Kyle's voice: You better come, too, Cartman.  
Cartman: Why the fuck should I go?  
Stan's voice: Because Santa's watching you, Cartman!  
Cartman: Oh, shit!  
Narrator: Cartman runs (well, more like waddles) to catch up with them. In a nearby tree, a camera was watching him. The scene shifts to a computer room, where Santa was watching Cartman and smoking a joint.  
Santa: Well said, Stan. Well said! Nice to know that not everyone in South Park is a fuckin' dumbass!  
Narrator: The scene shifts to Ike, who's waiting at a bus stop. A bus suddenly pulls up and the door opens. Ike hops on.  
Bus Driver (in a thick southern redneck accent): Ya got money?  
Narrator: Ike puts his hands into his pocket. He takes them out a second later.  
Ike: Crap!  
Bus driver: You got money or what?  
Narrator: Ike checks his other pockets, but comes up empty-handed.  
Ike: Goddammit!  
Bus Driver: If you don't have money, get your ass off the fuckin' bus!  
Ike (glaring at the driver): Fuck you!  
Narrator: The scene shifts to outside the bus, where Ike is seen falling down the stairs onto the pavement.  
Bus Driver: Don't waste my fuckin' time, kid!  
Narrator: The bus driver closes the door and drives away. Ike glares in his direction and flips the bird.  
Ike: Asshole!  
Narrator: Ike continues to glare in the bus driver's direction. Then, a nearby bush starts to shake. He walks over to it with a nervous look on his face. He parts the leaves and looks behind it. His expression changes. A moment later, he's seen leaving on a Newfoundland dog, the same one he rode in "Splatty Tomato." Meanwhile, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are seen sitting at Kyle's kitchen table. There's a pile of money in front of each of them.  
Kyle: How much do you got?  
Stan: Two twenty-five.  
Cartman: three-fifty.  
Kenny: two cents.  
Stan: Yeah. I don't think we can afford a bus ticket.  
Kenny (muffled): Can't our parents drive us?  
Stan: None of our parents wanna drive us to Canada.  
Cartman: Yeah. My mem's busy.  
Kyle: Doing what?  
Cartman: Something.  
Kenny (muffled): More like, someone.  
Narrator: Kyle and Stan both laugh. Cartman glares angrily and points at Kenny.  
Cartman: Hey! Fuck off!  
Kyle: How are we gonna get to Canada now?!  
Stan: I suppose flying's out.  
Kenny (muffled): After the last time, fuck no!  
Stan: Wait! My dad's gonna go to Canada.  
Cartman: Why?  
Stan: He's now selling weed in Canada.  
Cartman: What else is new?  
Kyle: Ask him if we can tag along.  
Narrator: Stan sighs. The scene shifts back to Tegridy Farms. Randy is seen packing boxes with marijuana bottles. Towlie is standing nearby, inspecting them. Stan comes in.  
Stan: Hey, Dad? Can I go to Canada with you?  
Randy (exasperated): You wanna go to Canada?  
Stan: Yeah. Can the guys come, too?  
Randy: Sure. I guess. Why do you wanna go to Canada?  
Stan: No reason.  
Randy: Wait. I know! You finally realized that I made the right choice selling marijuana!  
Stan (hesitating): Yeah...  
Randy (not noticing): You hear that, Towlie? My son finally appreciates my genius!  
Towlie: I heard it, Randy! It must make you proud!  
Randy: Yeah! At least he knows genius when he sees it!  
Shelly (from the other room): I still don't care, Dad!  
Randy (to Stan): Well, get packin'. We leave for Canada first thing in the morning!  
Narrator: Randy resumes packing. Stan looks at him for a few seconds. Then, he puts his hands in his pocket and leaves. He looks both sad and guilty. Meanwhile, Ike just arrived at the border wall of Canada. He jumps off of the Newfoundland dog and looks up. The Canadian sitting on top of it starts to mock him.  
Canadian (waving): Oh, hey there! Beautiful day, isn't it? Yeah. It's gorgeous here in Canada. Makes the United States look like shit!  
Ike: I gotta see the Prime Minister!  
Canadian: Oh, really? That sucks, guy! The Prime Minister doesn't wanna see a traitor. Anyone that leaves Canada for America must be the biggest dumb fuck alive!  
Narrator: Ike is starting to look mad. The Canadian continues to mock him.  
Canadian: Yeah. Everything is great here in Canada! Compared to Canada, America is a fourth-world shitty nation. You wish that you were here! Wait- what are you wearing, guy?  
Narrator: The Canadian takes out a pair of binoculars and looks at Ike. The camera shows what he's looking at: Ike's socks.  
Canadian: Why you wearing the Canadian royal socks? Unless... holy shit, guy! He's a Canadian knighted by the princess! I'm real sorry about that, buddy! I didn't know you were knighted!  
Narrator: The Canadian leans over the wall and talks to someone.  
Canadian: Hurry up, guy! Let him come in!  
Narrator: After a few seconds, nothing happens.  
Canadian: Oh. Wait. That's right. The wall doesn't open. Here, guy. Climb up!  
Narrator: the Canadian reaches for something. Ike just stares at him. Then, a white and brown rope lowers itself towards Ike. Ike watches it until it reaches him. Then, he starts to climb it. Instantly, he gags.  
Canadian: Sorry, buddy. The rope is made of used socks!  
Ike (gagging and coughing): Goddammit!  
AN 1: Thanks for reading. Tell me what you think and please leave a review!  
AN 2: Just so you know, my vacation is starting soon. So, hopefully, I can start to update more frequently again!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
Narrator: The next day, Randy and Towlie are seen packing Randy's car. Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are putting their things in the trunk. Sharon, wearing only her nightgown, is glaring in their direction with her arms crossed.  
Sharon: You really should think this over, Randy.  
Randy: C'mon, Sharon. This is gonna make us rich!  
Sharon: You've been saying that since we moved here.  
Randy: Yeah, but this time, I mean it!  
Sharon (looking away): Whatever, Randy!  
Narrator: The camera zooms over to Stan, who's still putting his things in the car. Sharon comes up to him.  
Sharon: You sure you wanna go, Stan?  
Stan: Yeah, Mom.  
Sharon: Okay, Stan. If that's what you want. Here.  
Narrator: Sharon hands Stan an envelope. Stan looks at it.  
Stan: What's this?  
Sharon: Money. If Dad goes to jail again, it should be enough to bail him out.  
Cartman: All right!  
Sharon (glaring at him): It's only for bail, Eric!  
Cartman: Goddammit!  
Narrator: Cartman leaves. Stan and Sharon just stare him.  
Sharon: See you in a few weeks, Stan.  
Narrator: Sharon smiles and hugs her son, who hugs her back.  
Stan (smiling): 'Bye, Mom!  
Narrator: Stan gets in the car and sits next to Cartman. Kenny comes in a second later and sits to Stan's right.  
Cartman (to Stan): Aw. That's sweet, Stan. You wanna use some of that money so you and your mom could get a hotel room?  
Kyle (grossed out): That's sick, Cartman!  
Stan: Yeah. Fuck off or I'll kick your ass!  
Kenny (muffled): Count yourself lucky, Stan.  
Stan (to Kenny): What?  
Kenny (muffled): Nothing!  
Narrator: Kenny looks at the envelope that's sticking out of Stan's pocket. He puts his hand into it and pulls out some money. He places it into his pocket. The camera zooms out as Randy gets into the driver's seat. A second later, Towlie gets into the passenger's seat.  
Randy: All right! Next stop, Canada!  
Cartman (sarcastically): Yay...  
Narrator: The car drives out of the driveway and goes down the road. Sharon continues to watch them.  
Sharon (sighing): Oh, boy. Here we go...  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Ike just arrived at the Canadian Palace. He was being led by Rick, the "proud Canadian Mountie," who was riding on a horse this time.  
Rick: Well, we're here, buddy.  
Narrator: Ike gets off of the Newfoundland dog and glares at the building.  
Rick: Thanks again for coming, guy. Without you and your friends, I never would have gotten my horse back! But we should have kept the law forbidding French Canada to drink wine. Now, they're more fucked up than ever!  
Narrator: Ike heads for the Parliament building, completely ignoring him.  
Rick: Yeah, guy. Steve the Newfoundlander is no better. Now, he sodomizes any boy he finds! Yeah. I tell you, guy, it sucks to be a guy in Newfoundland!  
Narrator: Rick turns towards Ike and notices that he's no longer there.  
Rick: Hey! Where'd that guy go?  
Narrator: Rick starts to look around for Ike. Meanwhile, a meeting is going on in the Canadian Palace. Justin Trudeau, surrounded by two secret service agents, is giving a speech.  
Trudeau: Listen up, guy! I'm no racist! I just made a mistake and really fucked up! You gotta believe me!  
First Secret Service Agent: Eh... I don't think they do, guy.  
Trudeau: Why not, guy? Only three people showed up today!  
Narrator: The camera now shows the audience, which only had three people in it.  
Second Secret Service Agent: Actually, guy, there's only two now. That one guy's dead.  
Narrator: The camera zooms over to an old guy in the audience. His mouth was slightly opened and he literally had x's for eyes.  
Trudeau (paying respects): Oh. Rest in peace, guy.  
Narrator: Trudeau wipes his eyes. He turned to one of the secret service agents.  
Trudeau: Why didn't anyone show up?!  
Second Secret Service Agent: Well, everyone is pissed off at you.  
Trudeau: You think that's the reason?  
First Secret Service Agent: Yeah, guy. Either that, or it's because you made Scott a member of Parliament.  
Narrator: The camera zooms over to Scott, who's sitting at the Parliament bench. He's writing something on a clipboard with a pencil.  
Scott: Ungrateful fart-loving bastards. I'll fix you!  
Narrator: The camera zoomed back over to Trudeau and the secret service agents.  
Trudeau: Yeah, but, he is loyal, guy!  
Narrator: At that moment, the door burst open and Ike came in, sword in hand.  
Trudeau: Finally, guy! A Knight of Canada has joined the party! Come in, guy! Make him a cup of tea or something. Have a seat, buddy!  
Narrator: Ike sits down to the right of Scott.  
Scott: Finally, someone with authority around here!  
Trudeau (standing up): Okay, guy! Now that everyone important has shown up, we can really get started! Scott, give your report!  
Narrator: Scott stands up and looks at a sheet of paper.  
Scott: Non-fart-loving tricksters of Canada, I, Scott, have watched our beloved country go down the toilet and-  
Random Parliament Member: You know the rules, guy. If the government has given you a title, you must address yourself with it.  
Scott (sighing): Fine! I, Scott, the Giant Mother Fuckin' Dick, have watched our beloved country go down the toilet. Despite my dedication and fierce loyalty, my fellow Canadians have treated me like a monster! They foolishly called me a dick, which was how I became one! And then, I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and became a Giant Dick. After that, some kid caught me having sex with his mother so now I'm a Giant Mother Fuckin' Dick, which is a lie! I am not a dick! I just have strong opinions that people don't agree with! I did have sex with that kid's mother, but I didn't know he was home! It's not my fault his mother was a cheatin' cun-  
Narrator: At that moment, a woman next to Scott whacked him on the back of the head.  
Scott: Aah!  
Narrator: Scott rubs the back of his head and glares at the woman.  
Scott (pointing at her): See? That's what I mean! Freedom is limited, guy! It's bullshit! If our Prime Minister wants to go around in blackface let him! It's a great idea, guy! If we can flip off the rest of the world, we can wear blackface! If people don't like it, then fuck them!  
Narrator: Scott gets up, probably to do something offensive, but he turns his head to Ike, who's looking at him.  
Scott (to Ike): What? You're looking at me like I want racism in our country. Well, I don't! We had this talk before, guy! I'm not a racist! I'm just stating facts!  
Narrator: The camera pans over to Ugly Bob, who's sitting at the edge of the Parliament bench.  
Ugly Bob: C'mon, Scott! Fighting will get us nowhere!  
Trudeau: Yeah. Relax, buddy! This is about me and my problems!  
Ugly Bob: See? That's the kind of selfish behavior we introduce to our children. That's part of the reason why I moved to the United States. Not only to stop my face from traumatizing people but to make a better life for my son. Isn't that right, Ugly Bob, Jr.?  
Narrator: The camera pans over to Ugly Bob Jr., who was one of the two people alive in the audience. Like his father, he wore a brown paper bag on his head. Only, it was much smaller.  
Ugly Bob Jr.: Yeah, Dad! It's great not to get ridiculed for the way we look!  
Scott: You joking, Ugly Bob? America is the most fucked up nation in the world! They claim that they're the land of the free, but they're the home of the fucking stupid!  
Ike: Kinda! Yeah!  
Trudeau: Focus, guy! My reputation is on the line!  
Random Parliament Member: So is ours, buddy. Except for Scott, whose reputation can't get any worse.  
Scott: Fuck off, you fart-loving bastard! You wanna fuck with a Giant?!  
Random Parliament Member: Not particularly, guy! I don't like the taste of dick!  
Scott: That does it!  
Narrator: Scott and the Parliament member start to fight, which kind of looks like the fights that Stan, Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle usually have. Trudeau lowers his head to the podium and places his hand on his forehead.  
Trudeau: I need a smoke, buddy. When's that marijuana guy coming?  
Narrator: The scene shifts to a hotel called Guy's Motel. Randy parks in front of the office building and gets out of the car. Roughly a second later, everyone else comes out, too.  
Cartman (looking very fatigued): uhh... what a ride.  
Stan: Yeah. I can't feel my legs.  
Kyle: Thank God we're here!  
Stan: Wait. Where's Kenny?  
Cartman: Did he die of boredom?  
Narrator: At that moment, Kenny came up behind him.  
Kenny (muffled): Nope. I'm right here!  
Kyle: Cool. Let's go find Ike!  
Kenny (muffled): Where is he?  
Kyle: In the Palace of Canada.  
Stan (walking to the office building): C'mon, guys. Let's check in the hotel first. I need a nap.  
Cartman (following him): Tell me about it.  
Narrator: Inside the hotel, the person behind the front desk gives Randy a key. The four boys come in.  
Clerk: Enjoy your stay, buddy! Dinner will be at 5!  
Cartman (getting excited): What's for dinner?  
Clerk: Kraft Dinner, guy!  
Cartman: All right!  
Narrator: Randy, Towlie, and the four boys enter the hotel room. Randy turns on the light.  
Kyle (entering the room): Wow! It's nice in here!  
Towlie: It sure is! Who wants a joint?  
Cartman (pointing at a "no smoking" sign): Can't. There's no smoking in here!  
Towlie: Damn!  
Randy: There's no time, Towlie! We have a meeting tonight with the Prime Minister of Canada!  
Towlie: Hey. That's right! What are we gonna introduce him to? The Mexican Joker? The Halloween Special? Christmas Snow?  
Randy: I was thinking something different this time.  
Towlie: Different? What did you have in mind?  
Randy: Hm. I don't know. Maybe something that will spark Canada's interest. Hey, Stan? Do you and your friends wanna come to the meeting tonight?  
Stan: No, thanks, Dad.  
Cartman: Yeah. It's Kraft Dinner night! It's Kraft Dinner night!  
Randy: C'mon, Stan. If you wanna get into the marijuana business, you gotta attend the meetings!  
Stan: Yeah. But...  
Narrator: Stan sighs.  
Stan: Goddammit...  
Narrator: Randy and Towlie leave. Stan turns to Kyle and grabs him by the shoulders.  
Stan: Please find your brother, dude! I wanna get out of here!  
Narrator: Stan leaves.  
Cartman: Can we look later? It's almost 5!  
Kyle: We're going! You can stay, fatass! C'mon Kenny!  
Kenny (muffled): I'm staying, too.  
Kyle: Kenny!  
Cartman: You heard the man. Have fun looking for Ike!  
Kyle (pissed off): Goddammit!  
Narrator: Kyle leaves, leaving Cartman and Kenny alone. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. Kenny answers it. Standing there was a guy in a chef's outfit with a food cart. He comes in.  
Chef (in a French-Canadian accent): Foodservice!  
Cartman: All right!  
Narrator: The chef takes two silver platters off the cart and lays them in front of Cartman and Kenny. He grabs the silver food coverings and yanks them both off, revealing two bowls full of Kraft dinner. Well, actually, Kenny's bowl is full of Kraft Dinner. Cartman's bowl barely has any.  
Cartman (pissed off): Hey! What the fuck is this?!  
Chef: The receptionist warned me of your concerning obesity levels, guy. So, I gave you a smaller serving.  
Narrator: Kenny laughs.  
Cartman (to the chef as he leaves): Hey! Fuck you!  
Narrator: Cartman turns to Kenny.  
Cartman: Hey! Share some!  
Kenny (grabbing the bowl): Hell, no!  
Narrator: Cartman and Kenny start to fight over it. They grab each other and start to roll around. At some point, Kenny rolls over a silver fork, which stabs him in the back of his head. He lets out a muffled shriek.  
Cartman (noticing): Kenny?  
Narrator: Kenny doesn't respond. Instead, blood starts to spill onto the floor. Cartman, still on top of him, just stares at his body. Then, he gets off of him and goes over to Kenny's bowl. He starts to eat from it.  
Cartman: Sweet!  
AN: Thanks for reading! Tell me what you think and please leave a review!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
Narrator: Later, Kyle arrives at the Palace of Canada. Blocking the gate was two Canadian Mounties. They each have full beards and a spear in their hand. The edge of the blade is shaped like a Canadian maple leaf. One of them blocks Kyle.  
Canadian Mountie (holding up his hand): Sorry, guy. No unauthorized entry is permitted!  
Kyle: But my brother's in there!  
Other Canadian Mountie: Yeah, right! We don't allow Americans into the Palace! Unless it's a tour. Our economy relies on that!  
Kyle (clearly desperate): My brother is Canadian!  
Canadian Mountie: Oh, really? You don't have a single drop of Canadian blood in you, buddy!  
Kyle: He was adopted.  
Other Canadian Mountie: Oh. That makes sense. What's his name, guy?  
Kyle: Ike Broflovski.  
Canadian Mountie: Sir Ike Broflovski?  
Kyle: Yeah!  
Canadian Mountie: Well, that changes everything, guy! C'mon in!  
Narrator: The Canadian Mounties move out of the way so Kyle can come through.  
Kyle (smiling at them): Thanks!  
Narrator: Kyle starts to head into the palace. Suddenly, the Mounties block him again with their spears.  
Kyle: Hey!  
Narrator: The Mounties laugh.  
Mountie: Did you really think we were gonna let you in, buddy?  
Kyle: But my brother's a Knight of Canada!  
Other Mountie: Sorry, guy, but you need him to accompany you!  
Kyle: How can I ask him? He's inside and he doesn't have a cell phone!  
Mountie: In that case, we can let you in if you want a tour. It's thirty dollars in American money or twenty in Canadian money.  
Kyle (getting annoyed): I don't have any money!  
Mountie: Not our problem, buddy! To make up for it, we can give you this hat for free if you want it.  
Narrator: The Mountie hands Kyle a hat. It looks like a "Make America Great Again" hat. Only, the words "America Sucks" are f\taped over it. Kyle looks pissed off. The scene changes to a small rectangular building called "Meeting Hall of Ottawa." Inside, Randy, Towlie, and Stan are walking through a corridor.  
Towlie: I tell you, Randy. If this meeting goes well, we'll strike it rich!  
Randy: That we will, Towlie. Isn't this exciting, Stan? We got noticed by the Prime Minister of Canada!  
Stan (obviously not caring): Yeah, Dad.  
Towlie: Seriously, Randy. What brand of marijuana are we gonna introduce to them?  
Randy: Hm. I was thinking of something involving maple leaves or syrup or something like that. Something that screams "Canada."  
Towlie: Yeah. Or Kraft Dinner. They may like that.  
Randy: We'll decide after the meeting. Something's bound to come up.  
Stan: Exactly how long is the meeting?  
Randy: Oh. One to six hours maybe.  
Stan (completely shocked and horrified): Six hours?!  
Randy (turning to him): Up to six hours.  
Stan: Why so long?!  
Randy: Canada is a socialist nation. We gotta compromise with their government.  
Towlie: Actually, Randy, they have a mixed economy.  
Randy: Mixed economy. Socialist. What's the difference?  
Stan: C'mon, Dad. Do we really hafta attend a six-hour meeting?  
Randy: If you wanna be in the marijuana business, you do.  
Narrator: At that moment, Randy, Towlie, and Stan pass Kenny in the background. Kenny is trying to give money to a prostitute, who acts like she doesn't even notice him.  
Towlie (turning to Stan): It's not all fun and games, Stan.  
Stan: Yeah. I get it, Towlie. Who's gonna show up at this meeting?  
Randy: The Prime Minister of Canada.  
Stan (looking up at the ceiling): Of course...  
Randy: C'mon, Stan. If the meeting goes well, we'll celebrate!  
Narrator: Stan doesn't say anything. Instead, he sighs. Meanwhile, inside the Palace of Canada, the meeting is still going strong. Some of the attendees look bored out of their mind.  
Scott (all bruised up from the fight): You see, guy? We should just kick out all the unwanted bastards! That way, we can put an end to all our problems. How aboot it?  
Parliament Member: Where are we gonna send them? Australia?  
Scott: Maybe, or we could ship them off to America! They like to police the world! Let them do it on their land!  
Ike: C'mon, Scoot. We have enough assholes already!  
Ugly Bob: Yeah, guy! Discrimination isn't the answer!  
Scott: Who said anything about discrimination? We're just gonna kick out everyone against Prime Minister Trudeau! How is that discrimination?  
Narrator: Another Parliament member just stares at Scott. Then, he turns to Justin Trudeau.  
Parliament Member: Maybe you should apologize again, guy.  
Justin Trudeau (shedding a few tears): What's the point, buddy? Nobody is ever gonna support me again! Canada is doomed to have another Giant Douche for Prime Minister! Don't tell him I said that!  
Parliament Member: Don't worry, guy! It'll blow over soon. Just give it time!  
Narrator: The Parliament member suddenly squints his eyes.  
Parliament Member: Eh. You need to calm down, guy. Your eyes are all red!  
Narrator: The camera zooms over to Trudeau, whose eyes were red. In fact, they seemed to be blinking.  
Trudeau: Oh. Don't worry about that. You just need a rest, guy.  
Narrator: The camera zooms towards Trudeau's right eye. After the screen becomes pure black for a few seconds, a new scene appears. The camera zooms away from a black-and-white image of the Palace on a security system. The monitors are surrounded by two Iraqi soldiers with guns in their hands. Then, the camera pans over to Saddam Hussain, who's speaking through a microphone connected to a control panel. The microphone was clearly disguising his voice. He looked slightly different than the last time we saw him. He was now clean-shaven with noticeable wrinkles on his face and he wore a purple bathrobe.  
Saddam Hussain (into the microphone): Everything's fine. Don't worry aboot it! I think we're all just stressed out. Today's meeting is over. We'll meet again next week. Thanks for coming!  
Narrator: Saddam turns off the microphone. He laughs.  
Saddam (walking away from the panel): Phase one of the plan is complete! Now on to phase two! If all goes according to plan, the blackface scandal will cause controversies all over the world! When everyone starts panicking, they'll turn to marijuana! After the marijuana fucks everyone up, we'll take over the entire world with me as its leader!  
Narrator: Saddam laughs again and walks over to a mini-refrigerator. He fixes himself a martini.  
Saddam: What I learned is, if you wanna enslave the world, you gotta do it yourself. No more help from pussies, and no more help from useless racists!  
Narrator: At that moment, Saddam walks over to the real Justin Trudeau, who's chained to a nearby wall.  
Trudeau: You'll never get away with this, buddy!  
Saddam: I already have, guy! Once Canada is taken over by racism, the world is mine for the taking! Anyone who dares disobey me will be shot in the head! And you will have served your purpose!  
Trudeau: Oh. I'm fucked, buddy.  
Narrator: Saddam puts the martini down and goes over to Trudeau.  
Saddam (stoking Trudeau's arm): Eh! That's a great idea, guy! Now that we have some free time on our hands...  
Narrator: Saddam smiles. Trudeau looks at him in horror.  
Trudeau: Oh, God, guy!  
AN 1: Thanks for reading! Tell me what you think and please leave a review! Sorry that it took me so long to update this story. Work takes a lot out of me.  
AN 2: Also, happy holidays to those who celebrate it! I hope this chapter was a good gift to you all!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
Narrator: Later, Randy, Towlie, and Stan are in a board room located in the Meeting Hall of Ottawa. They're sitting at a table in front of the podium, where "Trudeau" is giving a speech. On either side of him is a secret service agent.  
Stan (to Randy): Dad? Can we go? We've been here for almost seven hours!  
Randy (whispering): Not yet, Stan. We gotta work out a business deal first.  
Trudeau (dramatically): This pot's gotta be strong. So good that every Canadian wants it!  
Towlie: Yeah!  
Randy: Woo!  
Stan (quietly to himself): Oh, God.  
Towlie: What did you have in mind?  
Trudeau: Guy! You mean you don't know?  
Randy: Uh... no. Isn't that why we're at this meeting?  
Trudeau: No, buddy. We're here to talk business! You guys make the marijuana, and we distribute it!  
Randy (slowly): Oh. In that case, we... don't actually have an idea.  
Trudeau (from shocked to pissed): What?! Are you fuckin' with me, guy?!  
Towlie: No. He's dead serious.  
Trudeau: That's great, friend! You guys gotta come prepared! I need to get Canada to calm down. No marijuana isn't the answer, buddy!  
Towlie: We're working on it.  
Narrator: Trudeau groans.  
Trudeau (to a secret service agent): Make some Kraft dinner, buddy. This may take a while.  
Narrator: Stan obviously hears him. He smacks his head on the table.  
Randy: Look. We just gotta come up with an idea. Marijuana doesn't become good shit when it first gets pulled out of the ground!  
Towlie: Yeah. It takes time and good effort!  
Trudeau: Fine. Start thinkin', buddy! If you can come up with an idea by tomorrow, this deal with continue! If not, we'll find another pot company!  
Randy: It won't come to that. I promise!  
Trudeau: I hope so. We don't have all day, buddy!  
Towlie: But you gave us until tomorrow!  
Trudeau: You know what I meant! The meeting is over, guy!  
Narrator: "Trudeau" and his secret service agents leave. Randy and Towlie get up and head for the door. Stan follows them.  
Towlie: We gotta come up with something, Randy, or we're fucked!  
Randy: Don't worry, Towlie. We just gotta think like a Canadian.  
Towlie: Yeah. Good thinkin', Randy! Here!  
Narrator: Towlie hands Randy a baseball cap with a Canadian maple leaf on it.  
Randy: What's this?  
Towlie: Our Canadian thinking caps!  
Narrator: Randy and Towlie both put the hats on.  
Randy: I don't feel like a Canadian.  
Towlie: Me neither. Maybe it's broken.  
Randy: Let's go buy more.  
Narrator: As they left the room, Stan sighs again. Next to the doorway was a refreshment table. Besides food (mostly just Kraft Dinner, apples, and maple syrup), the table had a bowl filled with ice. A large wine bottle was placed in it. A second later, Stan comes back in and grabs the wine bottle. He leaves with it. Meanwhile, the Mounties are still guarding the Palace of Canada. Kyle comes up to them.  
Canadian Mountie: It's you again. You're real stubborn, guy.  
Kyle (clearly not wanting to do this): Can I take a tour?  
Other Canadian Mountie: You got money, buddy?  
Kyle: Yeah.  
Narrator: Kyle hands one of the Canadian Mounties two bills: a twenty and a ten. The Mountie takes it from him and inspects it.  
Canadian Mountie: Thanks for cooperating, buddy. Now come. To the Palace of Canada, the heart of all Canada! Contrary to what some dumbasses believe!  
French Canadian: Without French Canada, Canada sucks, buddy!  
Other French Canadian: Yeah!  
Other Canadian Mountie: Ignore them, guy. French Canadians ruin our good names.  
Other French Canadian: Fuck you, friend!  
Narrator: Later, Kyle is following the Mounties on his tour.  
Canadian Mountie: Yeah, guy. The palace is the most interesting part of Canada. Many fights take place here. Mostly between the Prince of Canada and the Prime Minister over power. Yup. When they fight, they really go at it. Last time they fought, the Prince of Canada broke his balls. Literally. Now he's sterile. The Princess of Canada doesn't seem to mind. Ever since their wedding, the Princess of Canada doesn't like the Prince to touch her. Probably because during their wedding, the Prince ripped her arm off and shoved it up his ass. She did get her arm back, but it smelled like shit for weeks! I tell you, buddy, being a Canadian sucks sometimes!  
Narrator: The Canadian Mounties fail to notice that Kyle left the tour in the middle of the speech. Kyle heads for a potted plant at the end of the throne room. He takes off his jacket and his hat, revealing a plain white T-shirt and his styled bright-red hair. He takes something out of the pocket of his jacket. Two things, actually. One seems to be the bottom of a toilet plunger and the other seems to be the skin of a watermelon. Both of them were painted to resemble skin. However, the toilet plunger also has two black dots on the side of it and the watermelon skin was attached to a piece of string. Kyle places it over the lower half of his face like a mask. Then, he picks up the toilet plunger, revealing a lever attached to it. He places it on his head. Together, they make Kyle look like a Canadian. Kyle places his jacket and his hat inside of the pot. Then, he covers them with leaves.  
Kyle: Let's do this!  
Narrator: As Kyle starts to look for Ike, he walks past a Mountie, one with a thick beard.  
Mountie: Halt!  
Narrator: Kyle stops and looks at the guard. There's a look of fear in his eyes.  
Mountie: Where are you off to?  
Kyle (nervously): To... to the bathroom!  
Mountie: Okay. Carry on, buddy!  
Narrator: The Mounie looks away from Kyle. Kyle takes a breath and resumes his search for Ike. Meanwhile, Cartman returns to the hotel room. He opens the door and looks around.  
Cartman: Stan? Kenny? Kyle? Where are you, guys?  
Narrator: At that moment, Cartman notices an envelope on the dresser. He picks it up and looks into it. It was the money that Sharon gave Stan. Cartman smiles and "runs" out of the room.  
Cartman: Sweet!  
AN 1: Thanks for reading. Please leave a review!  
AN 2: Also, happy new year everybody!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
Narrator: Later, Randy and Towlie (still wearing their Canadian hats) are sitting in their hotel room. Stan is sitting on the couch in between them with his face cupped into his left hand. He looks bored out of his mind. Oddly enough, so does Randy. Towlie, with glasses on, is writing on a clipboard.  
Towlie: How about a joint made of cheese?  
Randy: Nah. Only the French Canadians would like that.  
Towlie: Yeah. The rest of Canada will just get pissed off.  
Narrator: Towlie scribbles on the clipboard.  
Towlie: What about maple leaves?  
Randy: Nah. They burn too fast. People will just complain.  
Towlie: Hmm... Yeah.  
Narrator: Towlie scribbles on the clipboard again. He lowers his arms.  
Towlie: Well, this sucks.  
Randy (looking depressed): Yup. Working for the Canadian government is a pain in the dick.  
Towlie: Don't you mean a pain in the ass?  
Randy: No. I think the chef put viagra in my Kraft dinner.  
Towlie: Oh. Stress not helping, huh?  
Randy: Probably not.  
Towlie: Lucky.  
Narrator: Towlie scribbles something on the clipboard. Suddenly, he throws his pencil and clipboard across the room. He jumps off the chair and puts his hands on the side of his "head."  
Towlie: What are we gonna do, Randy? Without an idea, we're screwed!  
Randy (stoically while lighting a joint): How should I know? I only joined this business to make some money!  
Stan: Yeah, Dad. Maybe you should just throw in the towel.  
Towlie (turning toward Stan): Wait. What?  
Randy: Have a little faith, Stan. We're not screwed yet. We just gotta find something that all Canadians would like. Something that they can relate to-  
Narrator: Randy looks surprised all of a sudden.  
Towlie: What, Randy?  
Randy: Wait. That's it!  
Narrator: Randy gets off of his chair and heads for the door.  
Stan: Where you going, Dad?  
Randy: I'll be back, Stan!  
Narrator: Randy shuts the door. Towlie and Stan stare in his direction.  
Towlie: I guess he got an idea.  
Narrator: The scene changes to the Palace of Canada, where Kyle is still searching for Ike. He passes a room. The plaque above it reads, "Meeting Room." Noticing it, Kyle opens the door and peeks inside. After looking around the room, he notices Ike, who's sulking on the platform in front of the podium.  
Kyle: Ike!  
Narrator: Kyle rushes up to Ike, who turns toward him.  
Ike (slowly): Kyle? What the fuck are you wearing?  
Kyle: It's a disguise, Ike.  
Narrator: Ike glares at Kyle, clearly understanding why he's dressed like that.  
Kyle: It was the only way for me to get in here!  
Narrator: Ike still glares at Kyle.  
Kyle: C'mon, Ike! Those guys outside of the palace wouldn't let me enter and-  
Narrator: Ike suddenly slaps himself in the face.  
Ike (slowly): Shut up, Kyle!  
Kyle: Okay. I'm sorry.  
Ike: Why are you here?  
Kyle: To bring you home!  
Narrator: Ike turns away from him, closes his eyes, and crosses his arms over his chest.  
Ike: Nuh-uh!  
Kyle: C'mon, Ike! I brought Stan, Kenny, and Fat-Ass with me to find you! Stan is losing his mind here!  
Ike: No!  
Kyle: Why?  
Ike (slowly): I got to defend the Prime Minister and stop the violence before they kill him.  
Kyle: You mean from the Blackface Scandal?  
Ike: Yeah!  
Kyle: Ike. Give it a few days. People will stop caring when someone else fucks something up!  
Ike: I have a duty, Kyle!  
Kyle: Aagh!  
Narrator: The scene shifts to Cartman, who's using the money Sharon gave Stan to go on a shopping spree in a local mall. The song "Not Your Birthday" by AllStar Weekend plays while he shops. He goes into a clothing store and comes out wearing a new Terrance and Phillip shirt. Then, he goes to a video game store called "Gameshop." He comes out with a Nintendo Switch. The next scene shows him "running" through a hall. Without noticing, he passes Kenny, who is trying to give money to a different prostitute. Like the first one, she doesn't notice him. The camera shifts to a food court, where Cartman is stuffing his face with KFC, M Burgers, and Chinese food.  
Cartman (even more bloated than usual): Best... idea... ever!  
Narrator: The scene shifts back to the hotel, where Towlie is standing outside of Randy's bedroom. He looks slightly impatient.  
Towlie: Randy, what are you doing in there? Can I come in?  
Randy: Not yet, Towlie. I still have a lot of work to do!  
Narrator: Towlie crosses his arms and taps his foot.  
Randy: Okay. I'm done! Come in!  
Towlie: About time!  
Narrator: Towlie reaches out his arm to turn the doorknob. Suddenly, he stops.  
Towlie: You're wearin' clothes, right, Randy? Because you looked like you were pitching a tent when you came back!  
Randy: Yeah, Towlie.  
Narrator: Towlie enters the room.  
Towlie: Augh! You told me you had clothes on!!  
Randy: Oh. You meant pants. Hang on a second.  
Narrator: The camera shifts to inside the bedroom, where Randy is seen buttoning up his pants in front of Towlie. After he finishes, he leads Towlie to the new sample of marijuana.  
Randy: Ready, Towlie? I spent all day creating a new sample of marijuana.  
Towlie: Randy? You've been in there for fifteen minutes.  
Randy: Yeah. What's your point?  
Towlie: Nevermind. What did you make?  
Narrator: Towlie and Randy head for a dish on the dresser. Randy grabs the table cloth covering it.  
Randy: Behold!  
Narrator: Randy yanks off the table cloth, revealing a plate of grayish-brown circular joints.  
Towlie (dramatically): Woah!  
Randy: Try one!  
Narrator: Towlie picks up one of the joints and lights it. He takes a puff of it and his eyes widen.  
Towlie: Wow! That's really good shit!  
Randy: I know, right? The Prime Minister is gonna love this!  
Towlie: I know I do! What is it?  
Randy: It's a mixture of fresh marijuana and animal remains for flavor. I call it "Canadian Balls!"  
Towlie: Wow. Who knew Canada had such nice balls?  
Narrator: The scene shifts to the Palace of Canada, where Kyle's angrily mumbling to himself while he walks through the corridor.  
Kyle: Why do Canadians have to be so loyal? Ike doesn't even live in Canada anymore! Huh?  
Narrator: Kyle suddenly passes an open door and accidentally looks into it. Whatever's in there caught his attention. He opens the door more and walks inside. Sitting in a chair nearby is the Canadian Prime Minister, "Justin Trudeau." Kyle takes the toilet plunger and watermelon off of him and angrily walks over to Trudeau.  
Kyle: Hey! Can you end this stupid scandal already so I can take my brother back home?  
Narrator: Kyle is now standing in front of "Trudeau," who's sitting like a statue, completely stoic and oblivious to what's going on.  
Kyle: Hey!  
Narrator: Kyle's expression softens as he looks closer at the Prime Minister. The Trudeau robot acts like he doesn't even notice him.  
Kyle: Hey. You okay?  
Narrator: The robot still doesn't say anything. Kyle taps him on the shoulder, which causes "Trudeau" to fall over.  
Kyle (horrified): Oh, God!  
Narrator: Without thinking, Kyle examines the robot's body. He lifts up his arm and takes his pulse.  
Kyle: Oh, Jesus Christ, dude! He has no pulse... and he's cold.  
Narrator: Kyle lays the Prime Minister down and examines his face. Suddenly, "Trudeau's" eyes start flashing.  
Kyle: What the hell?  
Narrator: Kyle pokes the robot's eye, causing it to go inside of its head.  
Kyle: Ah!  
Narrator: Suspicious, Kyle gently pulls back the Prime Minister's eyelid. He notices metal and wire underneath.  
Kyle: Holy shit, dude! He's a robot!  
Narrator: The camera zooms to a camera on the wall behind Kyle. It was flashing. The scene shifts to two Iraqi soldiers, who are watching him. They look at each other briefly. Then, the scene shifts to a door. A knock is heard and one of the Iraqi soldiers comes in.  
Iraqi Soldier: Saddam Hussein?  
Narrator: The camera shifts to a bed, where Saddam is hidden by a purple blanket. Suddenly, he comes out of it.  
Saddam (while holding a fake dildo in his hand): What? I'm busy, guy!  
Iraqi Soldier: But Saddam, some kid discovered Trudeau's a robot!  
Saddam: What?! How the fuck did that happen?  
Iraqi Soldier: I don't know, but he appears to be an American. Please let me fuck him up!  
Saddam: Not yet, fella. First, bring him to me. Then, we'll decide how we'll kill him!  
Narrator: Saddam laughs. The camera zooms over to Justin Trudeau (the real one), who's chained to the wall. He had white stuff all over him.  
Trudeau: Jesus, buddy. The poor guy!  
Saddam: Shut up, buddy!  
Narrator: Saddam turns back to the Iraqi soldier.  
Saddam: Oh, bring me some more lubricant, guy! I'm fresh out!  
AN: Thanks for reading. Please leave a review!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
Narrator: In the Palace of Canada, Kyle is still in the meeting room. He's currently examining the robot. Somehow, he removed the robot's "skin" offscreen, revealing its robotic skeleton.  
Kyle (looking at one of the robot's arms in his hand): The Prime Minister's a robot? Does Ike know?!  
A voice: What are you doing in here?  
Narrator: Kyle yelps and looks behind him. Standing there are two Iraqi guards. Only, they were wearing Mountie uniforms instead of their usual Iraqi ones.  
Kyle (from shocked to suspicious): Me? What about you?!  
Iraqi Soldier: We're Canadian Mounties. It's our job to protect the palace!  
Other Iraqi Soldier (as a thief walks pass the door): Yeah! We know everything that's going on!  
Kyle (glaring at them): Why is the Prime Minister a robot?!  
Iraqi soldier (after a moment of hesitation): What?  
Kyle: The Prime Minister! Why is he a robot?  
Other Iraqi Soldier: It's part of the tour. I'll explain. Just let me get the Canadian manual.  
Narrator: The Iraqi Soldier leaves.  
Remaining Iraqi Soldier: So, how are you liking the tour?  
Kyle (floored): What?!  
Narrator: At that moment, the Iraqi soldier returns with a book in his hand. He opens it and puts on a pair of glasses.  
Iraqi Soldier: All right. It says right here that there's a good reason why the Prime Minister of Canada is a robot.  
Kyle: Which is?  
Narrator: The Iraqi soldier didn't respond. Instead, he hits Kyle in the head with the book. Kyle lets out a sound (like Cartman when he gets hit in the head) and fell to the floor.   
Other Iraqi Soldier: Nice hit! Now we can fuck him up!  
Narrator: The Iraqi soldier cocks his gun and points it at Kyle. The other Iraqi soldier stops him.  
Other Iraqi Soldier: Not yet. We gotta bring him to Saddam Hussain first!  
Iraqi Soldier: Fine. Then, we can fuck him up!  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Cartman is going back to his hotel room. His arms are full of bags of stuff that he bought. He skips down the hall until he reaches the door to his room. After he opens it, he frowns and his mouth drops open. Instantly, he drops the bags. On top of the bed before him is Stan, who's passed out. He's obviously drunk, judging by the empty wine bottle next to him. Cartman now has a devilish look on his face. He goes over to Stan and starts to pick his nose. At that point, Kenny comes in.  
Kenny (muffled): What are you doing?  
Cartman (chuckling wickedly): Giving Stan an envy eye!  
Kenny (muffled): What's an envy eye?  
Cartman: It's when you pick your nose and put the booger on someone's eye.  
Narrator: Cartman finishes picking his nose and places the boogers on Stan's eyes, which made them appear green.  
Kenny (muffled): That's gross, dude!  
Cartman: That's the point, dumbass!  
Narrator: Kenny looks mad at Cartman. At that moment, he notices the bags that Cartman bought and points to them.  
Kenny (muffled): Where'd you get those?  
Cartman: I bought it.  
Narrator: Kenny puts his hand into one of the bags and pulls out a Barbie-like doll. He looks at Cartman.  
Cartman: Uh... I bought the wrong thing. Stupid fuckin' store!  
Kenny (muffled): Uh-huh.  
Narrator: Kenny puts his hand into another bag and pulls out a PS4.  
Kenny (muffled): How can you afford this?  
Cartman: I've been saving.  
Kenny (muffled): Cartman, you're the worst saver I ever fuckin' met!  
Cartman (glaring at Kenny): Hey!  
Kenny (muffled): Seriously, Cartman. Where'd you get the money fro-  
Narrator: At that moment, Kenny's eye's widened. He slaps himself in the face and sighs.  
Kenny (muffled): You didn't, Cartman.  
Cartman (faking innocence): I don't know what you mean, Kenny.  
Kenny (muffled): Yeah, you do, Fatass. You took the money Stan's mom gave us!  
Cartman: What if I did? You gonna rat me out?  
Kenny (muffled): I have every right to.  
Narrator: At that moment, a Canadian woman came in. She appears to be one of the back-up dancers from Terrance and Phillip's music video for "Shut Your Fuckin' Face, Uncle Fucca" from the South Park movie.  
Canadian Woman (striking a few "sexy" poses): Hey, baby! Did someone order a hot Canadian prostitute?  
Narrator: Cartman just stares at her. Then, he turns to Kenny, who stares back at him.  
Cartman (in-between fake coughs): Hypocrite.  
Narrator: At that moment, Stan wakes up. He yawns, then rubs his eyes.  
Stan (sleepy): Hey, guys...  
Narrator: At that moment, Stan looks at his hands. He looks completely disgusted.  
Stan: Ew!  
Narrator: Cartman laughs at him. Meanwhile, at the Meeting Hall of Ottowa, Randy and Towlie are attending another meeting with the "Prime Minister."  
"Trudeau:" Well, buddy? You have an idea or what?  
Towlie: Yup. Show 'em, Randy!  
Narrator: Randy, smiling, walks over to the "Prime Minister" and places one of the marijuana joints on the podium.  
"Trudeau (clearly interested):" What's this, buddy?  
Randy: Our new genius idea.  
"Trudeau:" Really? It looks like shit, guy.  
Randy: Try it!  
Narrator: "Trudeau" takes the joint and lights it. He takes a puff of it and exhales. The camera zooms over to his ass, revealing that the smoke is also coming out of a pipe right in the middle of it. No one seems to notice it. Not even his secret service agents.  
"Trudeau:" Wow. That's good shit, guy! What's in it?  
Randy: It's a mixture of marijuana and animal byproducts. We call it "Canadian Balls."  
"Trudeau:" I tell you, buddy. This is the best pot I've ever had. I think we have a deal, friend!  
Narrator: Randy and Towlie smile at each other.  
Towlie: We did it, Randy. We finally did it!  
Randy: Ka-ching!  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Kyle is still knocked out. Suddenly, he opens his eyes and looks around. The camera zooms out, revealing that he's tied to a wheel and stripped to his underwear.  
Kyle (after looking around): What the hell?  
Voice of Saddam Hussain: Ah. I see you're awake, guy.  
Narrator: Kyle looks in front of him. The camera shifts again, revealing Saddam Hussain and two Iraqi soldiers (the same ones that captured Kyle).  
Kyle: You!  
Saddam Hussain: Yeah. That's right, buddy. Me. Saddam Hussain. How ya been?  
Kyle (horrified): How've I been?! I've been kidnapped!  
Saddam: Yeah. I did that, guy. Don't worry about it!  
Iraqi Soldier: Yeah. It's not like Saddam's gonna kill ya, then fuck your remains!  
Saddam (turning towards him): Shut up, guy!  
Kyle (scared out of his mind): What?!  
Saddam: Hey! Don't worry about that. Everything's great! Take a breath! Look at the fountain!  
Narrator: Saddam gestures to a fountain offscreen. The camera shifts to it. The fountain is made entirely of rock. A miniature waterfall is flowing through it. On top of the fountain is a carving of Saddam sodomizing a guy against his will.  
Voice of Saddam: Ignore the carving, guy!  
Narrator: The camera shifts back to Kyle.  
Kyle: What do you want?!  
Saddam: What do I want? Well, let's see, buddy. First of all, I want you to shut your mouth!  
Narrator: Kyle stares at him but doesn't say anything.  
Saddam (sarcastically): Oh, good. Phase 1 of the plan is complete. Now onto phase 2: conquer the world!  
Narrator: Saddam laughs. Kyle just stares at him in horror.  
Kyle (muttering to himself): This guy is fucked up!  
Voice of Justin Trudeau: Be careful, kid. Saddam will do things to you. Horrible things!  
Narrator: As he's talking, the camera shifts over to Trudeau, who's completely covered in white stuff.  
Kyle (softly): Justin Trudeau?  
Trudeau: Hey, buddy.  
Kyle: So, you're not really a robot?  
Trudeau: No, guy. However, I may send one soon to flip off the American President!  
Kyle: We hate him as much as you do!  
Trudeau: I doubt it, buddy. It's not like any Americans have died from his stupidity!  
Saddam (interrupting their train of thought): Shut up, guy! I'm enjoying myself!  
Trudeau (attempting to break his shackles): Oh, God, guy!  
Saddam: Not that way!  
Iraqi Soldier (muttering to the other one): Not yet!  
Narrator: The Iraqi Soldiers laugh. Horrified, Kyle takes a quick glance at Trudeau. Then, he looks back at the Iraqi soldiers and Saddam.  
AN: Thanks for reading! I hope you all liked the chapter. Please leave a review!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
Narrator: Two Canadian men are sitting at a cafe table. They both look bored and depressed.  
Canadian: I tell you. This sucks, buddy.  
Second Canadian: Yeah. That dumb blackface scandal is fucking up our lives. If only there is a solution, guy!  
A soft masculine voice: But there is!  
First Canadian (looking around): Who's that? Satan?  
A Canadian angel (descending in to view): Not quite, buddy. Someone better. Someone who can put our minds to rest.  
Second Canadian: Death!  
Canadian Angel: No. Shut up, buddy! It is I. The Hemping Angel!  
First Canadian: The Humping Angel?  
The Hemping Angel: That's the Hemping Angel, guy. I'm here to deliver the solution to all our problems!  
Second Canadian: Including Dire AIDS?  
The Hemping Angel: Except that, buddy. Follow me!  
Narrator: The Hemping Angel flies away. The two Canadians follow him.  
First Canadian: I can't believe we're following a Humping Angel, guy.  
The Hemping Angel: The Hemping Angel!  
Narrator: The Hemping Angel and the Canadians arrive at a small stand. A sign above it says, "Tegridy Stand: Brought to You By Our Local Tegridy." In it, Randy and Towlie are selling Canadian Balls to local customers.  
The Hemping Angel: We're here, guy. The cure to all our problems!  
First Canadian: God!  
The Hemping Angel: That's right, buddy. The God of Pot, Randy Marsh!  
Second Canadian: Who?  
The Hemping Angel: Randy Marsh. He's the genius who came up with Canadian Balls!  
First Canadian: Canadian Balls? What the f-ing H is that?  
The Hemping Angel: Only the best pot in the world. It's the solution to all our problems!  
Second Canadian: By sucking on balls?  
Randy: Try it!  
Narrator: Randy hands the guy a joint. He takes it and takes a puff. Then, he exhales.  
Second Canadian: Holy shit, guy. That's good shit!  
Narrator: Towlie places two joints in front of him, making them look like his actual testicles.  
Towlie (gesturing to the joints in front of him): Yup. And there's enough for everybody!  
Everyone: Yay!  
Second Canadian: Seriously. Can it cure Dire AIDS?  
The Hemping Angel: Uhhh. I wish this could cure this problem!  
Towlie: Here!  
Narrator: Towlie takes out a shotgun and shots the second Canadian in the head, who falls to the ground in a breathless groan.  
The Hemping Angel: Hey! Thanks, guy!  
Narrator: Everyone laughs. A large jar of Canadian Balls appears in the foreground.  
Announcer (who sounds high himself): Canadian Balls. Coming soon to a giant Tegridy stand near you. It's not just weed, it's tegridy weed!  
Narrator: During the announcement, the camera zooms out, revealing that this is all just a commercial. The scene shifts to Randy and Towlie, who are watching it while drinking champagne.  
Towlie: I tell you, Randy. This was the best idea we came up with!  
Randy: It sure is, Towlie. People didn't believe in me but look at us now. I'm selling weed on behalf of the Prime Minister of Canada and I was in a commercial.  
Towlie (after taking a sip of his drink): Yup. We showed them.  
Randy: Yeah.  
Narrator: Randy puts his drink down on the stand next to him and gets up. He starts to leave the room.  
Randy: In fact, I'm gonna call Sharon and brag to her stupid face!  
Narrator: Randy picks up the hotel's phone and dials his house number. While he's speaking to Sharon, the scene keeps shifting between them, depending on who is talking. At the start of the conversation, Sharon is reading a book in her bathrobe while she drinks wine.  
Randy: Sharon?... It's Randy... We did it! Tegridy Farms made it! We're gonna stuck it rich!  
Sharon (uninterested): I saw, Randy. It's on the news.  
Randy: Isn't this great? And you guys doubted me!  
Sharon: I don't know, Randy. Something could still happen.  
Randy: You need more trust in me, Sharon.  
Sharon: You've been saying that a lot, Randy.  
Randy: But I mean it this time!  
Sharon: Whatever, Randy.  
Randy: Don't whatever me, Sharon. I'm earning a living here!  
Sharon: We'll see, Randy. I gotta go. Good-bye.  
Randy: 'Bye.  
Narrator: Sharon hangs up. Randy lowers the phone in deep thought. Then, he puts the phone back in its charging station.  
Randy (as he's walking away): She's just pissed that she hasn't done anything special with her life!  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Sharon put the phone at Tegridy Farms back into its phone charger. She gets off the couch and walks to the front door. She stops when she reaches the doorway.  
Sharon (crossing her arms over her chest): Shelly, Daddy's business is booming in Canada.  
Shelly (distracted): That's great, Mom.  
Sharon (obviously concerned): Shelly?   
Shelly: What, Mom?  
Sharon: Dinner is gonna be ready in ten minutes.  
Shelly: Okay, Mom. I'll eat later!  
Narrator: Sharon sighs and goes back into the house. Shelly glares at a bunch of marijuana plants growing beside the field. She holds up a large can of weed killer.  
Shelly: Okay, weed. Prepare to meet your doom!  
Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Cartman and Kenny are watching TV on the couch. The door opens, then slams shut. Ike comes up to them.  
Ike: Guys? Have you seen Kyle?  
Kenny and Cartman simultaneously: Nope.  
Cartman: And I'm lovin' every moment of it!  
Narrator: Ike glares at Cartman. He starts to leave the room. As he passes Cartman, he punches him in the nuts.  
Cartman: Ooooooo!  
Narrator: Cartman grabs his nuts and falls to the floor, spilling popcorn everywhere. Kenny just looks at him. Then, he grabs the remote and stoically changes the channel. Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Stan is taking a shower. He's scrubbing himself forcefully with a bar of soap. Then, he sniffs himself and gags.  
Voice of Ike: Kyle?  
Narrator: Stan pulls the curtain a little and pokes his head out.  
Stan: It's me, dude.  
Ike (frantically): Have you seen Kyle?  
Stan: No.  
Narrator: Ike starts to cry (which sounds more like whimpering).  
Stan: It's okay, Ike. Kyle's here somewhere.  
Ike: C'mon Stan. We got to find Kyle!  
Stan: Okay. I'm coming!  
Narrator: Stan turns the shower off and steps out. Only, he slips and falls on top of Ike. Ike struggles under his weight.  
Stan (getting off of him): Sorry, Ike. C'mon.  
Narrator: Ike gets up and looks mortified. He starts to wipe his face with his hands because Stan's crotch was on top of it.  
Ike (slowly): Ah. Come on!  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Kyle is still tied to the wheel. Saddam, with a martini in his hand, is dressed in a bathrobe. He and the Iraqi soldiers are watching the monitors.  
Saddam: Excellent. When all of Canada is stoned, guy, the world is mine for the taken!  
Kyle: What is it with you and Canada?  
Saddam: Canada is the largest country in the world, guy. If I gain control of it, the rest of the world will see how powerful I am and negotiate with me.  
Kyle: Yeah, but there's one small problem.  
Saddam: What?  
Kyle: Canada is not the largest country in the world.  
Narrator: The Iraqi soldiers look at each other in confusion. Saddam picks up a globe of the Earth.  
Saddam (spinning the globe): It's not? Oh. No wonder I failed as a dictator.  
Narrator: Saddam puts down the globe and goes over to Kyle.  
Saddam: Say. How about a deal, guy?  
Kyle: What deal?  
Saddam: You seem like a brat, but a smart brat. I'll untie you if you agree to help me conquer the world.  
Kyle: I'll never side with you!  
Saddam: Hey, relax, guy. It won't seem so bad.  
Kyle (glaring at him): Forget it!  
Saddam: That's too bad. I thought you'd want to help me willingly. Maybe this'll change your mind.  
Narrator: One of the Iraqi soldiers cocks his gun and points it at Kyle's head.  
Kyle (panicking): Okay! Okay! I'll help!  
Narrator: Saddam tilts his head to the side and smiles at Kyle. He blinks three times as eerie music briefly plays.  
AN 1: Thanks for reading. I hope you all like the chapter. Please leave a review!  
AN 2: Just to give you all the heads up. I'm returning to college in about a week. So, I may not be able to update as frequently. However, I can probably still update about once a week, if not two.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Randy and Towlie are still selling weed in the Tegridy Stand. Randy was collecting the pot while Towlie is managing the register.  
Towlie (while handing a customer his change): Thank you. Come again! I tell you, Randy, this really was the best idea we ever had!  
Randy: Damn right it was! We sold five-hundred thousand dollars worth of Canadian Balls!  
Towlie: Wow. We're rich! Wait... in American or Canadian money?  
Randy (sarcastically): Canadian money. Duh! It's Canada!  
Towlie: Is that worth more or less than Canadian money?  
Randy: No idea. Does it matter?  
Towlie (with his hands on his "hips):" Yeah. If we wanna make a profit, it does!  
Randy: I'll go ask.  
Narrator: Randy leaves the stand and walks up to a random guy.  
Randy: Hey. Is Canadian money worth more or less than American money?  
Guy: I don't know, guy. I never dealt with it before.  
Randy (stoically): 'k.  
Narrator: Randy walks back to the stand and sits on a barrel behind Towlie. He cups his face into his left hand and places his elbow on his lap.  
Towlie (looking in Randy's direction): Well?  
Randy: Nobody fuckin' knows.  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Kyle is sitting at the monitors in Saddam Hussain's hideaway. Saddam and two Iraqi soldiers are standing behind him.  
Saddam: Okay, guy. You're gonna write emails for me to the leaders of the world for me and try to convince them to buy marijuana from this Randy Marsh guy.  
Kyle: What if they don't wanna buy it?  
Narrator: One of the soldiers cocks his gun.  
Kyle (panicked): Okay. They're gonna buy it!  
Saddam: That's right, guy. Now hop to it, bitch. Time's a-wasting!  
Narrator: Saddam leaves, leaving Kyle and the Iraqi soldiers alone. The same Iraqi soldier as before cocks his gun again, causing Kyle to jump in his seat with a terrified look on his face. He starts to frantically type on the keyboard in front of him.  
Kyle (while he's typing): Why me, God? Why me?  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Stan and Ike are still in the hotel, probably the master bedroom. Stan's holding a phone to his ear. The phone starts to emit "busy" sounds.  
Stan: Crap. No answer.  
Narrator: Ike starts to whimper/cry again.  
Stan: Don't cry, Ike. Kyle said he was looking for you. Maybe he still is.  
Ike: C'mon!  
Narrator: Ike grabs Stan's hand and pulls him out of the room. Later, at the Palace of Canada, Stan and Ike are looking for Kyle there.  
Stan: You sure this is where you last saw Kyle?  
Ike: Yes!  
Stan: You sure he's still here?  
Ike (starting to get impatient): I don't fuckin' know!  
Stan: Okay! Calm down, dude! There's a Canadian Mountie. Maybe he can help us.  
Narrator: Stan grabs Ike's hand and leads him to the Mountie. Ike, evidently very sadden by the ordeal, looks up. His mouth suddenly opens (in his case, literally) and he forces Stan to stop.  
Stan: What, dude?  
Ike (slowly): Hey! What the hell? That guy's not Canadian!  
Stan: Really? How can you tell?  
Ike (pointing at the Mountie): Just look at him!  
Narrator: Stan looks at the Mountie. Sure enough, the "Mountie" is really an Iraqi soldier, most likely one of them that's still loyal to Saddam Hussain.  
Stan (slowly): Yeah. I'm not getting it.  
Narrator: Ike lets out a groan of disgust. He rushes towards the Iraqi soldier and tugs at his trousers.  
Iraqi Soldier (looking down at Ike): What?  
Ike: Where's Kyle?  
Iraqi Soldier: I don't know what you're- uh, who?  
Ike: Are you Canadian?  
Iraqi Soldier (gesturing to his head): Of course I am! Look at my head... uh, buddy!  
Ike: You're lying! You're not Canadian. You're Iraqi!  
Iraqi Soldier (starting to realize that his cover has been blown): What? Oh, fuck it!  
Narrator: The Iraqi Soldier takes out a sword. Stan gives a look of horror but Ike takes out his sword.  
Ike (pointing his sword at the Iraqi soldier): En garde!  
Narrator: The Iraqi soldier is about to swing his sword. Suddenly, he stops and gasps. Then, he literally starts to melt before them. Soon, his body is nothing but a mess of blood and destroyed organs.  
Stan: What the hell?  
Narrator: Ike turns around.  
Ike: Ugly Bob?  
Narrator: The scene shifts to the doorway, where Ugly Bob's back is turned. He puts the paper bag back on his head and turns around.  
Ugly Bob (waving): Hi, guys!  
Stan: Uh... thanks, dude!  
Ugly Bob: Sure. No problem, buddy. What's happening here?  
Stan: We don't know.  
Ugly Bob: Okay, then. It seems we're stuck, guy.  
Stan: Is there a security room?  
Ugly Bob: As a matter of fact, there is! Follow me!  
Narrator: Ugly Bob gestures for Stan and Ike to follow him, which they do. Later, in the security room, Ugly Bob, Ike, and Stan are looking at the monitors. Ike is sitting in the chair in front of them and scrolling through the computer. The screen shifts to one of the monitors, where an unconscious Kyle is seen being dragged away by two Iraqi Soldiers.  
Ugly Bob. Well, it appears your friend was captured by the Iraqis. It seems that they have invaded Canada again. I guess they wanna avenge Saddam Hussain, eh?  
Stan: Not that guy again!  
Ugly Bob: Yeah. Iraqi soldiers and leaders don't let things go, buddy, but where would they take your brother, Sir Ike?  
Stan: He could be anywhere.  
Narrator: At that moment, Stan's cell phone beeps. He takes it out of his pocket and looks at it.  
Stan (stoically): Oh. Found him. It's from Kyle. He says Saddam Hussain's kidnapped him and is forcing him to email world leaders.  
Ugly Bob: Saddam Hussain?! He's back again?! We should have known that he would try to conquer Canada again! He only failed two times!  
Stan: Kyle says he's in some kind of cabin.  
Ugly Bob (to Ike): Of course! Saddam took your brother to his old Canadian HQ!  
Stan: Do you know how to get there?  
Ugly Bob: Uh, no, guy, but I know someone who does!  
Stan (after making brief eye contact with Ike): Uh... who?  
Narrator: Meanwhile, in Saddam's Canadian HQ, the camera zooms in on Kyle's message on the computer, which is an email he sent to Stan. Then, it shifts to Kyle.  
Kyle (quietly to himself): C'mon, Stan. Don't fail me now!  
Voice of Saddam: Hey, guy!  
Narrator: Kyle gasps and quickly closes the email. Saddam comes up to him.  
Saddam: Did you email the President of Iran?  
Kyle: Yeah. He didn't respond yet!  
Saddam: Excellent! When America and Iraq go to war, the United States will be too distracted to stop me! Come over here, guy. Let's watch the blood spill!  
Narrator: Halfway through his speech to Kyle, Saddam takes out a bowl of popcorn from a small microwave and sits in a lawn chair. Then, he holds up a sports flag that says "bleed 'em" on it. Kyle gets out of his seat and sits down in a small kids' chair next to Saddam, who turns on the TV.  
Tom Thompson: And the impeachment trials are expected to take place sometime in the next eleven months. In other news, Iran is threatening to declare war on the United States following an email encouraging them to do so. We now go live to a Midget in a Bikini.  
Midget in a Bikini: Thanks, Tom. Conflicts between the United States and Iran have been escalating lately, even more so because of the assassination of Qasem Soleimani at the hands of American forces. The President of the United States, Giant Douche, has agreed to a press conference.  
Narrator: The camera pans to Giant Douche, who's holding a joint in his hand and is clearly high.  
Giant Douche: Yeah. It doesn't matter what they do to us. We'll fuck 'em up no matter what!  
Midget in a Bikini (after a brief pause): Back to you, Tom.  
Narrator: At that moment, the scene shifts back to Saddam and Kyle.  
Saddam: What the fuck was that?! Get on with the killing!  
Narrator: Kyle doesn't say anything. Instead, he turns to Justin Trudeau with a confused expression on his face. Trudeau, who's completely covered in white stuff, looks back at him.  
AN 1: Thanks for reading. I hope you all liked the chapter! Please leave a review.  
AN 2: Just so you all know, the story is almost over. There are only one or two chapters left!  
AN 3: Reply to the Guest's review: Thanks for the review. I really appreciate it! It's support like yours that makes me love writing these stories!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
Narrator: The scene shifts to a green house with a red roof. The name "Scott" is written on the roof in big, black letters. A message gets typed into the foreground. It says, "Scott's house. 4:45 pm." The scene shifts again to the inside of the house, where Stan, Ike, Cartman, Kenny, and Ugly Bob are sitting on a couch. Scott the Dick is sitting in an armchair across from them.  
Scott (while puffing on a cigarette): Why the hell should I help the Americans?  
Ugly Bob: C'mon, Scott. Have a heart. This American was captured by Saddam Hussain!  
Scott: Saddam Hussain?! That fart-lovin' trickster?!  
Ugly Bob: The one and only, guy.  
Scott: How the fuck can he be alive? We captured and killed him!  
Stan: It's true, dude.  
Scott: Shut up, American!  
Ike: You shut up!  
Scott: You shut up!  
Ike: You shut up!  
Scott: You shut up!  
Stan: Guys! So, are you gonna help us or what?  
Scott: Hell, no! Americans don't do anything for us! Why should I help those fart-loving bastards?!  
Ugly Bob: C'mon, Scott. Do you want Saddam in power again?  
Scott: Fine! Just let me get something.  
Narrator: Scott leaves. Stan gives Ike a concerned look. A second later, Scott returns with a rifle.  
Scott: I was saving this for Terrance and Phillip, but that can wait!  
Ike: Let's go, already!  
Stan: Yeah. Just let me make a phone call.  
Narrator: Stan takes out his cell phone and starts to dial someone. Ugly Bob turns to Scott.  
Ugly Bob: Say, Scott. How come you know where Saddam's secret HQ is?  
Scott (getting nervous): Oh. Uh, just by chance.  
Narrator: Meanwhile, in his hidden HQ, Saddam is watching a news report.  
Tom Thompson: In other news, the marijuana usage in Canada has skyrocketed. In a recent poll, nearly every Canadian citizen uses the same fuckin' brand of pot. We now go live to a Midget in a Bikini.  
Narrator: the scene on the TV shifts to the Midget in a Bikini, who's facing the wrong direction.   
Midget in a Bikini (clearly stoned): Thanks, Tom. The usage of marijuana in Canada is so common that it's uncommon not to smoke it. While most Canadians have given in to pot, there are still a few who refuse to smoke it.  
Narrator: The scene now shows a Canadian getting interviewed.  
Canadian: I tell you, buddy. This marijuana epidemic is even worse than the blackface scandal! Now everyone is affected and completely fucked up!  
Narrator: At that moment, the Canadian got shot in the head and he falls to the ground.  
Saddam (raising his martini into the air): Nice shot, guy!  
Narrator: At that moment, an Iraqi soldier bursts into the room.  
Iraqi Soldier: Saddam! We just looked at the monitors. Six guys have broken into the HQ!  
Saddam: So what, guy? Just kill them!  
Iraqi Soldier: We tried. Three of our men are already dead!  
Saddam (with his hands on his hips): Well, don't such be a pussy! Go out there and fuck them up!  
Iraqi Soldier: Yeah, but-  
Narrator: Before the Iraqi soldier could finish his sentence, he gets shot in the head and falls over, dead. Standing there is Scott, Ugly Bob, Stan, Ike, Cartman, and Kenny.  
Justin Trudeau (who's still tied to the wall): About fuckin' time, buddy!  
Saddam: Ack. How did you find this place?  
Scott: I used to work for you, you fart-lovin' trickster!  
Saddam: Aah! Don't mention farts to me, buddy!  
Ugly Bob: Then, don't use us for your plots, et?  
Scott: Fuck that!  
Narrator: Scott points his gun at Saddam and fires. Like in the movie, the bullets bounce off of him.  
Saddam (laughing): People are dumbasses!  
Narrator: Scott stops shooting and lowers his gun.  
Scott: You son of a bitch!  
Saddam: Yeah. Fuck you, too, guy!  
Stan: Now what?  
Scott: Guess we're just gonna have to get creative!  
Narrator: At that moment, footsteps can be heard. After a few seconds, someone comes into the room and stands in front of Saddam. It was Giant Douche. Aka, Mr. Garrison.  
Giant Douche: Hello, Saddam!  
Saddam: Giant Douche?! Wow. I'm such a fan of your work, guy! Let's discuss it over fucking!  
Giant Douche: Sounds like a plan to me!  
Narrator: At that moment, Giant Douche tackles Saddam to the ground and starts to take off his clothes.  
Giant Douche: As I said before, I only believe in one immigration policy!  
Narrator: At that moment, Giant Douche started to brutally sodomize Saddam.  
Saddam: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Finally, a pro! That's how it's done! Keep going, guy! Hey! You're going a little rough, guy! Slow down!  
Narrator: Saddam starts to scream. At that moment, the camera shifts to Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Cartman, Scott, and Ugly Bob, who are all watching the gruesome scene before them. After a few seconds, Saddam's blood splatters all over them. The six of them, especially Kyle, look very disturbed. Even Ugly Bob looks disturbed, despite the bag covering his face.  
Stan: What the fuck, dude...  
Narrator: The camera shifts back to Giant Douche, who gets off of Saddam's corpse. Victory music starts to play as he wipes his mouth.  
Giant Douche: And that's how you do it, bitch!  
Narrator: Much later, the Canadians are reversing the damage that Saddam has caused. Many of them are flicking their joints away and stomping on them. Justin Trudeau is hosting a ceremony while a few of the secret service agents are throwing away the Trudeau robots.  
Trudeau: To show our gratitude to our foreign and non-foreign heroes, I, Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minister of the great nation of Canada, has bestowed our non-Canadian heroes with Canadian citizenship.  
Cartman: What? Oh, weak!  
Scott: What?! Are you fuckin' with me?  
Trudeau: Be quiet, Scott, or you won't be given your caramel Canadian Medal of Courage.  
Narrator: Scott scowls bitterly.  
Scott (mumbling to himself): Fuckin' Americans. Those fart-lovin' tricksters have won again!  
Trudeau: Now, buddies, let's celebrate our liberation and our banishment of marijuana with a parade. French Canada style!  
Narrator: Trudeau leads Kyle, Stan, Ike, Kenny, and Cartman to a nearby float. An "Our Heroes" banner is plastered to the front of it. On their way there, Randy and Towlie start to boo them (mostly Stan) from the crowd.  
Towlie: Nice going, guys. Thanks to you, we're nearly bankrupted!  
Randy (sounding like Stephen Stotch): How could you betray your old man, Stan? That does it! You're grounded!!  
Narrator: Stan sighs. Kyle tries to comfort him.  
Kyle: Sorry, dude. Thanks for saving me!  
Stan: Sure, dude. It's worth not having to go to any more meetings.  
Narrator: Later, at Tegridy Farms, Towlie and Randy are smoking joints.  
Randy (puffing on his joint): Well, here we are again.  
Towlie: Yeah. The marijuana business is a shitty job, Randy.  
Randy: You can say that again, Towlie. At least Canadian Balls did well in Canada... until they got banned.  
Towlie: Yeah. It sucks we got banned, too. Hey. That reminds me. What was the "animal byproducts" in the pot?  
Randy: Oh. Nothing. Just beaver skin and fat.  
Towlie: Beaver skin?!  
Randy: Yeah. I got the idea from my thinking cap.  
Towlie: Aren't beavers a symbol of Canada?  
Randy: Yeah. What's your point?  
Towlie: Oh, nothing.  
Narrator: Randy and Towlie face the direction of the TV in deep thought.  
Towlie: As long as nobody finds out...  
Narrator: Randy blinks in fear. Meanwhile, Saddam arrives in Hell.  
Saddam: Ah. It's good to be back. Now, where the hell's Satan.  
Narrator: Saddam travels deeper into hell. A few seconds later, he encounters Satan, who's wearing a hard hat.  
Satan: Yeah. Just make the jacuzzi next to the fireplace. It'll make it very romantic.  
Saddam: Hello, Satan!  
Narrator: Satan's eyes widen.  
Satan: Oh, no!  
Narrator: Satan turns around.  
Satan (pissed off): Saddam! What the hell are you doing here?  
Saddam: What the hell do you think, dumbass? I died again.  
Satan (looking up at the sky): Why here? Why now? You're not welcome here, Saddam!  
Saddam: C'mon, baby. You know you can't resist me!  
Satan: I'd rather have a poker up my ass than see you!  
Saddam: Hey. That's a great idea. Now get your red ass in bed!  
Satan: No, Saddam. I'm too good for you!  
Saddam: You're brain says no, guy, but your ass says, "ride, 'em, cowgirl!" You're not gonna get rid of me again!  
Satan: You might be dead, Saddam, but I already spoke to God. He and I have another idea in mind for you when you die!  
Saddam: Oh, yeah? What could be worse than being in Heaven with the Mormons?  
Saddam: See for yourself!  
Narrator: Satan raises his arms. Instantly, Saddam got struck by lightning. He yelled out in pain, then fell over dead (even more than before).  
Satan (walking away): Ah. Finally.  
Narrator: At that moment, Satan passes Jason White.  
Jason (pointing): Who was that?  
Satan (walking pass him): No one, undead child. Absolutely no one!  
Narrator: The scene shifts back to Saddam as dramatic music plays. The camera zooms in until it reaches Saddam's eyes. Suddenly, they open up as the camera zooms back out, revealing that Saddam's tied to a chair.  
Saddam: What the-  
Narrator: Saddam attempts to break free but to no anvil.  
Saddam: Hey! What the hell is this?  
Narrator: At that moment, a beam of light strikes Saddam, who shuts his eyes.  
A deep voice: Saddam!  
Saddam (staying completely still): God?  
Voice of God: Yes, my child. You have officially lost the trust of your betters. Both from me and Satan. It's time you were punished for your sins!  
Saddam: Oh, yeah? Bring it, guy! Anything beats living with the Mormons!  
Voice of God: We'll see about that, Saddam.  
Narrator: As the light starts to disappear, a new voice is heard.  
A voice: Welcome back to the porn channel. We now take you back to our featured presentation!  
Saddam (turning to the TV in front of him): How is this torture?  
Television Announcer: Coming up next, Saddam's Sex Tapes!  
Saddam: What?!  
Narrator: The camera shifts over to the TV, revealing a kid-like drawing of Saddam, who is having sex with many women. The Saddam drawing starts to moan in pleasure on the screen. The camera shifts back to Saddam, who screams in absolute horror.  
AN 1: Thanks for reading. I hope you all liked the chapter! Tell me what you think and please leave a review.  
AN 2: This is officially the last chapter of the story. I hope you all liked it! If anyone's interested, I'm gonna write a "Golan the Insatiable" fanfic next, or at least, that's the plan.


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